3 years ago when I daydreamed about pregnancy I thought it would be the most wonderful, blissful 9 months. Full of wonderment and loving my belly. Fast forward 3 years later and...well...not so much. I feel horribly guilty typing this. I want to be the blissful gal LOVING pregnancy. For the past 4 months I have posted pretty blah posts with noting but updates...instead of really using this blog as my virtual journal I have typed what I think others would want to read and not necessarily what is really going on. I have decided to derail from that would of "Cotton Candy Clouds and Rainbow Rivers" and bring on a dash of reality - in a good, productive and honest way.
Anyhow - back to pregnancy. This is hard work. I really have started to feel like my body is not my own anymore and that is just so.darn.hard. to accept/grasp. I have fleeting moments where I am just so uncomfortable in my own skin - I can't really explain it. It is just a feeling of wanting to be anywhere else, doing anything else at that exact moment. I tell myself that this feeling will pass and it always does within minutes - it is just that those minutes can bring on such emotions. On the flip side - there are times that I am just so in love with the overall process and overcome with such love that tears well up in my eyes. Jason does not know what to do with me!
Physically - I am very uncomfortable. Already. It feels as if my stomach sits right between my boobs and has shrunk to the size of a quarter. I just get SO full SO fast which is SO frustrating. I am trying to eat smaller portions through out the day but that really is a hard habit to get into when for the past thirty some years you have eaten three times a day - as much as you want! My skin on my belly feels so incredibly tight and itchy and I just wonder where we are going to find room for this baby to grow for 4 more months. Hmmmm? I just thank God I am not an Elephant whose gestational period is 640 days - 91 weeks - could you even imagine!
Sleeping has become somewhat of a chore - which bums me out - because I usually have no problems with sleep. To get comfortable I put a pillow between my knees and one along my side. The hard part comes in when I want to roll over. It is a job of complete rearrangement.
These are all small things but I think what it is is that that add up to that feeling of your body not being your own.
HOWEVER, at the end of the day - I can NOT wait to meet this incredible baby boy. Sometimes the anticipation is so overwhelming. I am so excited for him to be here and I know as soon as I lay eyes on him all of these feelings will be a distant memory.
Now before you publish flaming comment and tell me how lucky I am to be pregnant after our 2 1/2 years of trying I want you to know that I realize that. I feel that we are truly blessed and I wouldn't change it for the world. However - the reality of it is that not every single women loves pregnancy. I don't hate it - it is just not what I expected.
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2 comments:
Nothing to say, really - except that I TOTALLY understand! Being pregnant is hard. You are doing just fine!
Oh my, we are feeling the same exact things. I sleep the same way and wake up many times throughout the night because, to turn over, I also have to take all my pillows with me. My ribs hurt so bad because there's so much pressure there. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to freak out because I just can't control anything that's going on with my body. BUT and this is a big BUT, I wouldn't trade it for the world and I know you wouldn't either. Just because the physical act of being pregnant isn't the most enjoyable for us doesn't make us any less worthy to be pregnant. So don't feel bad about your true feelings, many of us feel the same way. Hang in there!
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