Down the hatch...

Last night was my first dose of 100mg of Clomid. I was really nervous about increasing my dose from 50mg to 100mg. I kept putting off taking those two little white tablets for fear of dizziness, hot flashes, killer headaches or a down pour of tears but so far so good. Only 4 days left.

Here we go again...

we are onto round 3.  My friend the cyst has gone away and we are set for iui #3.  I will start 100mg of clomid (i have done 50mg in the past) on Wednesday.  Jason and I go in on Thursday to do an SA with an embryologist.  Hopefully that will give us a little more insight into his swimmers.  I will go back on Monday for more blood work and then we will have our iui.  As of right now it looks like that will take place Friday - the day after Thanksgiving.  Our families are going up to Breckenridge for the holiday so Jason and I will be making trips back and forth - oh joy.  However, we are not willing to skip another cycle due to an hours drive.  As far as life outside of IF goes things have been crazy but a "good crazy".  Some changes have taken place at work so I no longer am concerned about my job.  At least I can look 12 months ahead instead of 30 days.  That has been a HUGE weight off of my shoulders - more than I realized it would be.  :)

Where have I gone?

As I was perusing the blog world yesterday and seeing how creative and involved so many are i started asking myself this question. I used to be so creative and energetic. You would never find me napping on the couch over the weekend as that was my time to go and do. I always had something to do and a project I was working on. I would multitask - clean, cook, bake, create, decorate, re-decorate, plan...I never missed a birthday and I sent cards or emails or made phone calls for everyone on their special day. But suddenly (or not so suddenly) I am finding myself napping on the couch. Wishing, after the fact, that I had put a card in the mail or made some cupcakes for a co-worker. Wishing I had a bedroom that i actually loved and felt relaxed in. Wishing I had the time to make delicious meals especially at this time of year when comfort food is so wonderful. I have found that I have been convincing myself I don't have time to do these things but that's a bunch of whooy. All that I do is go to work, come home, watch TV and go to bed and then start the process all over again. So I ask myself - what has caused me to let go of my passions and of my hobbies? And i can not come up with an answer. Is it the world of IF - do I put so much into this emotionally that I have lost who I was because I am exhausted about thinking of it constantly? Is it work and the crazy market - I have been living my life in what feels like 30 day increments for over a year now. I am constantly worried that I will not have job as my boss reminds me frequently that that this market is awful and that he is "hemorrhaging" money and the largest expense he has at this office is me. . Or maybe I have just gotten lazy...i don't know. What I do know is that I want to turn it around. I want to see thru all of the visions I have for our home. I want to see thru all of the ideas I have swimming in my head that are screaming to get out. I want to get photos in my photo frames, I want to create a guest room that guests want to come back to, I want to make our bedroom a place of peacefulness and of restfulness, I want to try all of the new recipes I have piling up in my cookbook, I want to organize so we don't spend 20 minutes looking for a hammer, i want to start a cooking club, i want to actually finish a book, i want to go to Jason's softball games/football games/basketball games and cheer him on like i did once upon a time, i want to see thru some projects at work that no one has asked me to do but I think will help us out. Geez - I am tired just looking at this! ha, ha. But really - i need to motivate myself because those are the things I enjoy doing. Although I am generally a happy person - I am not happy with who i have become. So i need a plan of sorts - a 12 step program. I'll start out with baby steps (no pun intended) and go from there.
To be continued...

Give us some of those "Phelps Swimmers"

This is in the siggy of a nestie on the TTTC Board. How funny is this...

My "new" Pretty Blog

i just figured out how to change the background on my blog from the boring templates that are offered on blogspot. So beware - i might be changing them quite often because there are so many fun ones! i got my hair cut last night, well, trimmed. i found a lady in Parker that i was referred to and it would be great if she worked out because it is so damn convenient. I was going downtown, which was okay for awhile, but I could only make appts. on weekends and had to pay for parking. So this would just work out so much better! It was a well timed hair cut as I had a KILLER headache that came on about 4:00 pm. It got worse as the night progressed but the shampoo massage felt terrific. I ended up crawling into bed at about 9:00 pm because I just couldn't take it anymore. i am wondering if it is a side effect from my high estrogen thanks to my buddy the cyst? On top of that I had a crazy dream that my RE got beat up while visiting New York. I went in to see him and he had terrible injuries to his face. He was not acting like himself and was apparently not all there mentally. Then, as I was talking to him he began taking down notes with one of those gigantic pens you get from a carnival and was just writing down scribbles. I was petrified, so after the appt I spoke to the front desk and they said that they were aware he was "not all there". Then I woke up. I wonder what Freud would say about that!?! I will be preparing my sample ballot today as Jason and I are going to get out and vote early this week. I really wanted to go on Election Day because I love the atmosphere but I am worried with all the hype surrounding this election that the lines will take hours to get thru. Plus - it sounds like Jason will be heading back to Utah for work so he will be gone on the 4th.

No iui for you!

I went in for my u/s on Friday and found out I have a cyst on my right ovary - really not a big deal except that a cyst can increase your estrogen level. High estrogen level = no clomid. I got the call on Saturday morning that I was not to take any clomid and this cycle there will be no iui. So we will wait. However, at the appt I talked with Suzie and Dr. S wants us to get a SA done with the embryologist. This is a more in depth look at the swimmers and is needed for IVF (gulp -again). He also wants me to do a Clomid challenge test which is needed for before moving on to IVF - but that will have to take place next cycle. On a brighter note - Conceptions had a mind/body/spirit open house on Saturday that I went to with my mom. It was great to show her where we go and where all the "magic" happens ! :) They had a bunch of information on acupuncture, yoga, massage, etc. and the benefits of those practices with infertility. It was great and they had good food!

Jason and I had a great weekend getting that house ready for fall. Jason used a work truck to blow out the sprinklers and ended up doing the same for 4 other neighbors as well as for my sis - what a nice guy! We managed to rake up the leaves from our gorgeous trees and at the end of it all decided we needed a leaf blower and went to Home Depot to purchase one. Too bad we didn't make the purchase before the raking!?!

I'm Back

Yes it has been quite awhile since I have blogged. i needed a break. So last time we spoke I was moving forward with a lap. After so much thought and worry I finally decided I was okay to move forward with it. That the fact I would be put on a ventilator (yikes!) was okay if it would get us some answers and wouldn't you know it...we had a wrench thrown in the wheel (is that the expression?!?). We were told by Conceptions that they could not guarantee that our insurance would pay for the procedure. We were already looking at $3,000 out of pocket to have the lap with insurance covering it BUT if they did not cover it we were looking at $10,000! Unbelievable! I finally get myself on the lap train and I am heading towards a destination and then the brakes are put on at full force. UGH! So after an evening of crying to my mom (jason was in Utah) I got myself back on the tracks and headed in a different direction - or more familiar one. We are now back on the IUI train. Before getting on it I set up an appointment with my OB just to go and talk to him and get his opinions. He is a wonderful man but probably thought I was an emotional basket case. As soon as I started talking to him I burst out in tears. In the end he confirmed that Jason and I are on the right track, that Dr. Swanson and Conceptions is a great place to be and that, unfortunately, IF is expensive and only we can decided how much we are comfortable spending in order to have a family - sounds so unfair, doesn't it? He even told me about a patient that had to use a surrogate with donated eggs and they had spent $102,000. Yes - $102,000. Wow. So here we are getting ready for our 3rd IUI. I have an appointment today for an u/s to make sure my ovaries are good-to-go on another round of clomid. Of course I just know that this will be our cycle - at least that is what I keep telling myself. *sigh*